2. If your home sustains damages from Sandy, ask your parents for money to fix it.
3. 20,000 people find shelter by standing behind Chris Christie. There is still room for 20,000 more. (At least Christie did thank Obama for his federal help!)
4. Airlines can resume their flights. Just tell passengers to keep their windows rolled up.
5. Make sure you’ve moved your cars to the top floor of your garage.
6. Sandy is so violent because she was raised by a single mother.
7. Don’t worry about evacuating. If it’s a legitimate storm, your house has a way of shutting itself down to protect itself from damage.
8. My prayers and thoughts go out to 53% of you;
9. 53% of you will be fine. The other 47% I couldn’t care less about.
10. If you survive, I’ll take credit for it.
11. If you must drive in the storm, use extra-strength rope to secure your dog to the roof of the car.
12. Everyone chill out… Sandy will end earlier than expected. She has dinner to get on the table.
13. Romney actually has a bunch of storm tips but isn’t going to tell you any them until after the election..
14. Everyone in the path of the storm: don’t be a victim and stop looking for handouts!
15. Ensure your staff secures your yacht with strong rope.